college

It Won’t Matter When I’m Dead

About a month ago, I had this weird existential epiphany experience. Or something.

I watched some documentary that I probably shouldn’t have watched and I was left there frozen for an hour trying to figure out everything.

Everything meaning race and religion and career paths and conspiracies and you know, everything.

It was a weird experience because for a few days afterward, I couldn’t even function normally. I felt stupid for doing things that I’d do every day (worrying about school, or money or my clothes) because it all felt so arbitrary. I would move through the day being myself but on the inside, I was silently criticizing myself for not being a part of something more meaningful. I was constantly reminding myself how insignificant my lifetime would be. I was beating myself up for caring about small problems that for now are major but in 5 years won’t have an impact on me.

Obviously, since then I’ve been able to come down from that. Learn from it and understand how to apply everything to my everyday life. Approaching this from a super logical, meticulous point of view seems like the best pathway, for now, I think.

It’s been kind of a blessing though. If I understand the meaning of the word. I can put things into perspective much easier. Getting an A on a test doesn’t seem like the absolute most important thing to me anymore. Having a 4.0 to ensure that I’ll graduate and get that 9-5 with a 401k is not the goal. (Hasn’t been for a while but just bear with me).

I’ve been trying to put more emphasis into learning languages and traveling and actual experiences with substance. Getting straight A’s and becoming the cookie cutter model of a perfect citizen is not what I strive for. Personally, I don’t find any fulfillment in that. But that’s me, and if you do then, well you do.

When I die, hopefully a very long time from now, I don’t want to be dissatisfied with the boring life that I somehow managed to lead.

So in order to avoid that, I’ll stop making stupid societal expectations the end all be all of my entire life. Yes.

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