Today is so confusing because I spend so much time reading and researching and observing everything wrong with the world.
And it’s so alarming because as much as I want to stand firmly and confidently opposed to the injustices that I have seen, it’s much easier to give my mind carte blanche to give in to any and every distraction.
The distractions allow me the opportunity to escape and remember only the feeling of the sun-grazing my skin after a long and dark winter or the scene in the film where the girl cracks open a creme brulee and the sound is so vivid I forget that I am in fact still just a human existing in an imperfect world.
I don’t want to think about the corruption and the hunger and the pain and the futile quest that millions embark on in search of their American dream. Or fame. Or fortune.
No, because then the thoughts of hopelessness will start to creep back in and debar me from carrying myself into the other place that allows me to forget.
My resentment for our founding fathers and mothers and brothers grows with each day because their warped ideas laid the foundation for a system that continues to oppress and hurt and degrade.
And it sickens me because I know 50 years ago one of my great, great, or greater ancestors was fueled by the same resentment that runs through me now. And 50 years before that and before that. And 50 years from now and then more.
It’s subtle. Appearing only to those who look for it. Through the shame and denigration of one that transfers into praise for the other.
It’s blatant. Still, appearing only to those who look for it. Rearing its fiery red eyes and white capes in courtrooms and squad rooms.
Against a backdrop of red and white and blue with the constant continued utterance of freedom and unity and equality.
I tried to close my eyes and remain blind but once they’ve already been opened and you’ve already turned away from the flock there is no sleeping, there is no turning it off.
My mind still races and still moves and searches for a way to distract itself. To forget.
But with every waking moment, since the first where I officially woke, the opportunity to fall asleep again had already passed.
The distractions become harder , as expected.