musings

Is My Optimism Really Just Naivete?

In another week or two I’ll be entering into my first year of college. The process has been ridiculous and difficult and I’m going through a lot of red tape that none of my friends are having to deal with. Despite that though, I’m still really excited and hopeful that everything will just work out because I have no time to be sad or stress out about things that I can’t change or help.

This is new for me, because I’ve spent most of my life being upset and allowing things that I had no control over to take over and control me. Up until a few months ago I decided that it was really stupid to allow things like that bother me and things have gotten much better since then.

I’ve always considered myself a pessimist and my family has to. My mom and my aunt have called me out for being “so negative all the time” multiple times and it always annoyed me but I always knew they were right. I  saw and expected the worst from everyone which made life unnecessarily difficult. Now I’m not saying that I’m no longer a Negative Nancy, I just think Optimistic Oprah(that’s really funny) has more influence on me now. For months leading up to graduation, I was a little stressed because there was an online class that I had to finish in order to, you know, graduate. It was an online math class and I absolutely hate math, I would do the stupid units over and over and never pass the final tests at the end. I felt stupid and  I beat myself up for it and just clung to the idea that despite 12 years of hard work, I may not graduate. I’m not gonna lie, I worked on this thing until the absolute last-minute, I finished it the morning of our first graduate practice. Ignoring all the negative thoughts that I had about myself and my future, I told myself “get the fuck over it and do the class, because not graduating is not an option” so I just went ahead and finished the class. Optimistic Oprah came through in the end.

So now that I’m giving up on my dark and twisty outlook on life and allowing for more positive thoughts and aspirations to surface, I’m starting to wonder if it’s a good thing. A part of me has a shiny and idealistic view of the world and I don’t know if this idea exists because I’m only 18 and still have to get punched by life a little more to understand it better or if this is just a genuine change in my personality. I’m not unaccustomed to tragedy and strife, so the latter may be easier for me to swallow as the truth.

Week 1 of college has not even started yet, so I’m sure after a couple of months I’ll have a more clear understanding of whatever is going on with me. It’s kind of annoying, most other changes just appear without you realizing the transition is happening. Like after we hit puberty and wake up one morning with curves,for the most part we don’t realize it’s happening until it’s already happened. Here’s to hoping that whatever new transition I’m going through just finishes up already, God.

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